I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
