I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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