"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
