Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
