I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
