What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This girl is more easily done than said...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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