my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
babies were throwing up all over the place
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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