i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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