remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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