how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
