Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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