So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
