are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
