Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
