I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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