Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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