apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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