who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
