I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
