Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize