my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
