I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
