Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
