I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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