please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
