did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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