I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
