and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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