conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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