don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize