in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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