So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
