Cold hands, warm shart.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize