I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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