I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
