Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
