Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
