Dude my mom stole all your condoms
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
