He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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