You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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