So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
We are two peas in an std pod
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
