I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
