I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
