why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
