I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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