Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
