insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
