Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he fucked my hip out of place.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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