Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
