I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
