So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
