And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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