That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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