OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
