He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
