I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
