Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
