dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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