Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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