I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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