Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
