thus making me awesome and them whores
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
